We've really never kept it a secret that we have two adopted children. John was 10 when he came to us, so obviously, he knows. In some ways, it's kind of easier that way.
But Addy was five months old when she came to us as a very sick little foster baby. She has really never known any other family as her own. We are it. And for that I am so thankful.
Since Presley has been little, at different times, like at bedtimes, maybe if she wasn't feeling well or something, as a comfort to her, I might lay down beside her and I tell her all about her "birth story." About how we found out I was pregnant and how I told Daddy, then up through the labor and delivery and her hospital stay and all that. Presley has quite a tale herself.
I guess when Addy was about 3, she heard me telling Presley about her story and naturally, she wanted to know her "baby story." I remember thinking, "o crap, here is the BIG question!" But, I also thought the adoption story shouldn't be any different then the "sex" talk or the "drug and alcohol" talk. Keep it age appropriate and only answer the question asked. So, when Addy asked "was she in my womb too?" I simply answered, "no" but then added "you were in my heart tho..." and that pacified her for that night. That year for Christmas, I bought Addy a book by Keiko Kasza called "A Mother for Choco." This is a book about a little chick looking for his Mama. He begins by looking for other feathered fowls like him but can't find anyone to love him. Ultimatly, if I remember correctly, he finds his Mama. She's a brown bear that also has a brown bear cub, a baby hippo and a baby alligator and she loves them all the same and very much! I couldn't wait to read it to her!
About a year or so later, fast forward to last fall, getting near Christmas, and we were in the vehicle (where the best conversations take place) and somehow the topic came up again. Talking about something or other and again, Presley said she was from my womb. Addy asked was she from my womb also and I told her "No baby, you came from another ladies womb, but God gave you to us to raise. You were a gift that God gave us!" she seemed to chew on that for a moment, then John said, "Like me, Addy! I came from someone else's womb too, but then God gave me to our parents, Mom and Dad!" Well then Addy got excited and she thought at least her and John came from the same womb. No, we had to start over and go back to keeping it simple. And I explained again, that God blessed me and Daddy with three gifts; Presley, Addy and John. And we opened each package and this is what we got!! The best present ever! Addy was satisfied. Age appropriate. Holiday appropriate. And simple!
Then today, for whatever reason, Addy asked again about I explained that no, Presley was the only one to grow in there and she said "Ewwww." Hmmm, now I'm kinda stumped, so I left it alone. Again, we get back in the vehicle and she asks again where she came from. I told her, she grew in someone else's womb and then God gave her to us to raise and we "are your forever parents. You will always be our daughter and we will always be your parents." She's good. That's fine. She probably isn't even thinking about it today. But I think about it and ponder it and wonder if I said the right thing. Have I said too much?
So, I did what any good American does when they have a question...I googled it. Of course there are about a thousand opinions on it. I think that adoption, just like sex, drugs and rock n roll (haha, I just had to add that!) should be answered in age appropriate responses. And only answering the question she asked. I did read that some psychologists think that the childs mind is unable to grasp a concept as complex as adoption, and they suggested waiting until age 8. I don't know about that. I think again, every child is different. Addy, to me, is extremely intelligent and I think she grasps a whole lot more than even I could guess. I also think that they way she views adoption will largely be based off me and David's views of adoption. She is certainly loved and definatly not loved anymore or less than Presley or John, for that matter. I'm hoping these little bits and pieces to the puzzle can all come together for her someday.
And that is why I'm glad God saw fit for us to have a biological child first. I have never questioned my love for any of my children. I've never had to wonder if I love my adopted kids the same way I would love a bio kid. I can tell you, without a doubt, I love them the same. I love them differently, but equally! Blood ain't got nothin' to do with nothin'! In fact, truly, most the time, I forget Addy is adopted. Shoot, sometimes I forget John is adopted! Addy acts just like me and Presley! And John is so much like David, most people assume he was David's, maybe from another relationship!!! Either way, we are wading through this sea of adoption explanations.
I've also told the kids before, and maybe we need to revisit this Bible story, but of course Moses was adopted. He was perhaps the first adopted child ever. And Jesus was not Joseph's son by blood, he was just as adopted, and both of them turned our great!
Let me mention one thing about older child adoption too, since we're kinda on the subject. One big difference between older child adoption and adopting a baby, is like what we're going through with Addy right now. I'm sure her little mind has so many questions and a lot of confusion about her past. And certainly if she doesn't yet, she will! It's going to be real hard when she starts asking questions about the bio parent(s). But with John, he pretty much knows his story top to bottom. He was there. Thats hard, because that means my son has seen and felt hurt and rejection. He has seen hunger and true pain. Addy hasn't seen or felt any of those things, at least that she immediatly remembers. John knows and he knows he's been blessed. John doesn't have to question the facts, although I bet he has a whole of "why?" But with that, John at age 14 can pretty much verbalize his feelings and questions. Addy at age 5 only knows she has a "feeling" but won't know how to communicate it. And that's where we use a lot of books and whole lot of prayer. A whole, whole lot of reassurance for both kids, mixed with love and acceptance. I wish more people considered older child adoption. In most states, including Arkansas, "older" is defined legally as any child over the age of two! There is such a need. And these kids are worth it!
Thanks for reading!
Lola Philpott
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