When I was President of the White County Foster Parents Association, one of my favorite guest speakers, was Author, Foster Mom, and Co-Chairman of the Pulaski County Adoption Coalition, Christie Erwin, author of the Middle Mom.  She is actually, also a Coordinator for the Pulaski County Heart Gallery and a founding member of the Call (Children of Arkansas Loved for a Lifetime.) Christie is definatly one of my personal she-roes.  And she has a blog; themiddlemom.com.  I read her blogs as often as possible and this past week, she posed the Million Dollar Question, or Million Dollar Excuse, that we foster parents often hear when recruiting others, "But how does fostering effect my own kids??"  Christie's article, "Won't my biological kids be effected by foster care, two?"  I started to comment on her blog but then thought I would answer on my own blog, so here we are. 

I personally hear that excuse so many times.  "I really want to foster, but I wonder if it will effect my own kids."  I always answer, "YES!"  Fostering does effect your own biological children.  Let me explain how. 

When we first began thinking of fostering and hopefully, eventually to adopt, we not only talked to each other as husband and wife, but we also talked to Presley, frequently about the idea.  She was only about 5 when we began our journey, but we were sure to include her every step of the way.  We explained to her the paperwork as we filled it out.  We introduced her to caseworkers and the folks that came to do the homestudy.  After we had had a couple of kids, when she was about 6, she was outside playing house with her dolls.  I asked her about her babies and she pointed out which ones were biological, adopted and which ones were foster kids!  It was then that I realized, this fostering was having a tremendous impact on her! Of course I was very proud! 

Along the way, Presley also saw a failed adoption with the placement in our home of a pre-teen boy.  I equate failed adoptions along the lines of a misscarriage of the heart.  I've had both and feel qualified to make that parallel.  This child failed in our home because of choices he made and those choices did effect Presley because she was already attatching to him as a sister would a brother. Nonetheless, when it was ultimatly decided he could not return to our home and that we were unable to adopt him, Presley never gave up.  "Quit" never came out of her young mouth.  She continued her prayer.  She knew what she wanted, and she wanted a baby sister and a big brother.  Eventually, her prayers, as well as our own, were answered.  I think Presley is extremly well adjusted.  She is kind and compassionate and caring and funny and all the good things you would expect of an 11 year old today. 

Once, when she was in about the thrid grade or so, some kid made a comment about being poor and maybe nothaving enough to eat or something.  Presley had the solution!  She told the kid that they could call DHS and they would come get them and bring them to our house and her parents would take care of them!!  She told them her parents had plenty of food and would buy clothes for them and other things they needed!  I cracked up laughing when she told me this, and thought, man, this kid musta had nightmares for a week!  But that describes Presley-always wanting to help. 

Last year I saw Presley packing underwear in her backpack for school.  I asked her "what the heck was she doing?!"  She said a certain friend of hers only had one pair of underwear and her Mama couldn't afford to buy any, so she figured we could share.  Naturally, I explained that we didn't need to share underwear but that maybe she was onto something! 

Y'all, this is how fostering effects your own biological children.  It builds character and compassion.  I thought these were all things we wanted for our kids. 

And we've had such awesome foster kids too.  Many we think about to this day.  Some we keep in contact with.  Some have slipped our minds.  We had one little girl that left the day we were about to leave for Spring Break in Florida.  She was packed and ready to go with us and left us that day.  That made us all sad, because we were excited to take her with us. 

Presley remembers one little girl, a 16 month old baby that came to us directly from the ER.  She was beautiful and had about a size 10 foot print on the side of her small face, where Mama's boyfriend had kicked her, hours earlier.  Presley saw how scared that baby was of Presley's own Daddy and "Bubba" (her now adopted brother)  How at 16 months old she was scared of men and mens voices.  And she watched as her Daddy gently held that baby and whispered to her that "not all men are like that."  That effected Presley. 

Presley grew very close to a teenage girl we had that we all loved very much.  One night, that teenager that shared a bedroom with our girls, left, suddenly and without goodbye in the middle of the night, via the bedroom window.  That effected Presley.  But she still has a childs love for this foster kid and often wonders about her and prays for her.  This incident grew Presley's heart even more. 

Presley liked a big ole boy we had last summer.  He toted Presley around like a kitten and she enjoyed the attention.  He rapped and enjoyed football and Presley hung on his every word.  She didn't have a crush on him, but he was a "cool, older brother type." He got the cops called on him one afternoon when he lost his temper and became violent and threatened our family.  He broke 2 of our rules and had to leave.  We wished it hadn't been with the help of local law enfocement.  This effected Presley.  It didn't make her resentful or racist or anything negative, but again, she asked that we keep him in our prayers. 

Something else I always tell prospective foster parents too, is that before you accept any child into your home, talk it over with the kids.  We always explain what the situation is and about how long they may be with us.  I'm direct, so I also tell the kids what kinds of behaviors to look out for as well.  Sometimes our kids might say, "Mom, now isn't a good time, because____________." And we take that into account.  Most the time, if the kids say no, the answer is no.  But yet, other times, I feel as parents we have to make a decision best for our family and we might agree to take a kid anyways, despite what the kids say.  And I would say, in that instance, each time, we have all been blessed and the kids were glad we did.  We had a 15 year old over Christmas break and I'll be honest, at first, both John and Presley were a little reluctant to add someone new to our family over a holiday.  We listened to their reasons and mostly, they were a little childish and selfish.  Since we thought it was a good addition to our family, we took him in and guess what??  Both kids loved him!  John and him were inseperable and Presley did have a little crush on this Justin Bieber look-a-like!  He was perfect in our home and the kids learned a little lesson about compassion, especially during the holidays!!  Now they want him to come back to spend weekends!

Fostering is a big decsion, for sure.  I just think you need to use good common sense and have your house rules spelled out.  Don't bite off more than you can chew either.  That's important, because if you try to take on a situation that is too much for you, you're only going to harm the situation even more and possibly harm your family and children  in the process. 

And of course, pray about it.  Thanks for reading and as always, if you have any questions about fostering or adopting, let me know. 

Lola Philpott